I am going to make an attempt to post a new blog post weekly at the very least. For now, in order to gain attention, here is my latest post which was written, posted and is being reposted far less then sober. I vow to not alter or delete this for the sake of honesty, the most important quality a human being can have.
So Steven(download his mixes, he is not only a sweet DJ but you can respect him as a person too) and Allyson have moved into the apartment from Steven's old place and Tim is now living with Carrie which is kitty-cornor (IE we are next to Steven and Allyson's apt.) to Violet's (who hates post modernism apparently but I can't accuratly yell you why) and my (who thinks some post-modernism is pretty clever) apartment. Tonight I drank with Tim, Patrick (I know through Tim and who is awesome but who I find intimadating in so far as he seems a lot smarter then I am), Carrie (I know through Tim and don't know that well, but seems cool and I will likely know better just because of proximity to our apartment) and Dustin (who is cool to hang out with because not only did I not know him that will, but I haven't seen him since High School until this week). I'm not as drunk as my last labeled drunken post but this is probably more then I have drank outside of a bar or party situation. The good news is I've finally cleaned my fridge out of all my "opened and mostly but not completely used bottles of alcohol." I don't drink much beer unless I've had a lot of something else before hand so I don't care about the terrible taste. One of the few beers I can drink and not hate is Guinness, and I generally find wheat beers far more barebly then light (and more widely drank) beers.
I'm not sure why it matters (and if I hadn't been drinking I'm almost positive I wouldn't bother telling people some of this) but I find reading my own drunken blog posts interesting, I'm less compelled to hide things when drinking (going so far as saying things to acquintances and strangers that I don't even tell my best friends or family). It makes for an interesting psychological study of the self.
Right now I notice that it is harder to focus and appreciate some of the music I love when drunk then when I am totally sober. What I sometimes wonder is if that is because I don't honestly emotionaly enjoy some of the music and I am a subconcious poser (which is a nightmare situation, and possibly why I fear it) or if it is because I honestly listen to music with intelligence and alcohol (which impairs the mind) messes with my ability to intellectually enjoy the most intelligent music I listen to (which is what my egotistic self wished to believe). I know that I fall somewhere between those situations. I know my (and every person whether they know it or not) is mostly shaped by nothing more then personal opinion but I also know that in the height of passion I tend to represent my opinion as fact and reject opposite opinions as wrong or inferior. I know it's pompous and doesn't make my any friends but it is something I do. I think it is probably because of my awkwardness and inablity/ignorace to function in honest social situations that prompts me to emphasize and subconciously hope that my strong polarized opinions will gain my attention and maybe respect where my social confusion and maybe slight social anxiety set my back socially.
I know that my silence and inability to communicate with strangers out side of functional situations is rooted in my anger and emotional problems way back in elementary and some of middle school. I basically taught myself somewhere between sixth and ninth grade that the best way to avoid bullying and frustrating social situations I experienced thoughout elementary school was to learn to become socially invisible. I stuck to the few loyal (and arguably foolish) friends I had made and only made more through their introduction. I avoided strangers and stayed silent in classes. I didn't talk to strangers in a friendly way. I basically protected myself from pain (through bullying and violence) and ridecule (by saying somthing stupid or un-PC) by staying silent. My few best friends through high school (Violet, Steven, Martin, for a while Bobby Kennedy) kept my sane. They taught my enough (probably unknowingly) to function once I was finally placed in social situations outside of highschool and outside of pre-established social circles to at least function.
I think that the next most important part of my social development was to gain a job at the Hamburg (also thanks to Violet). The people at the burg have taught me to be comfortable with strangers and far more willing to remove my walls in front of strangers. They helped me to lose my social stiffness and take risks and do socially and sometimes legally unacceptable things that I had no moral or philosophical problems with. They only things holding me back was my fear of social fuckups.
I feel like I'm finally socially developing in a way everyone else did back in middle and highschool that I had subconciously prevented until some very cool people had helped my break out of.
In hindight I know I have messed up situations with people who were interested and made an effort to establish something with me. I regret my past ignorance.
The problem with this situation is simply that I finally feel tempted to enter a relationship beyond friendship but not only do I feel afraid of fucking up the act of establishing it but I worry about fucking it up with my personal neorosis after it has been established. And I worry about fucking up a friendship that I feel that I've just learned to maintain with a proposal of a sexual relationship. And I'm frankly afraid of the act of sex. Not that I don't want to experience it, but simply that I'm worried of embaressment from fucking it up when everyone around me has had some time to learn how to do it right. I know some of these fears are illogical and silly. And I preach and believe that emotions (like fear) that contradict logic are stupid to follow doesn't make me any less human or any more likely to resist my illogical emotional pitfalls.
I honestly wish that society had developed in a way that made my social indecision the norm for men and made women the traditional innitiates of a relationship. Not that I envy the hardships of women through the years, or that I am so naive as to think that any situation could possibly develop where men could be in control of society without having to be in control in the bedroom. I just don't like responsibility (which is probably the root of all of my problems in the first place, including what I haven't mentioned here).
I'm done. I vow to not edit this after the booze has worn off. It's a personal blogging philosophy anyway, but I want to make it official for my less then sober posts. Fuck revisionism. It's simply a long term form of dishonesty (which I disrespect more then any other human quality).
PS all conclaveproject.org sites are broken and not updated they are simply the last place I know these people have updated.
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The continuing saga in which Brandon attempts to alleviate boredom and feel important by posting unintelligent rants and retarded links on his blog...
