A Forward: This may seem corny, but understand that this is coming from my, the cynical scum-bag who despises everything cheesy.
I know nobody is perfect. Well sort of. I don't even know what perfection is. It's a cliche but our imperfections do make us who we are. I know I'm kind of an asshole sometimes. I know I'm sometimes mean to friends. But you need to know, if you haven't already been able to tell from my incredibly judgmental ways, I have high standards and if I show an interest in hanging out with you, I like you. You have passed my subconscious testing ground. You are a decent human being.
I don't mean to imply that someone should be honored for the opportunity to hang out with me. I'm not so egotistical as to think I am anything special. I am as flawed as as the next person. If anything, my pickiness is one of my major imperfections. The point of this isn't that I like you. It's that you should like you.
I like smart people. I haven't really figured out what this means. I've discovered that amount of education seems to have no bearing on how intelligent a person is. I've met people, who, at first meeting, seem vapid and dumb, but after extensive conversation seem to have a firm grasp on reality and common sense. Generally my initial impression is based off of a stereotype: Frat-boy, Sorority slut, Hipster, Punk, Goth, Hippy, Nerd. Or it's based off of the vocabularly they use. A person who doesn't use complex words must be stupid, according to whatever part of my mind decides first impressions. Experience however tells me that intelligence has nothing to with that. School teaches information, not smarts. Intelligence hasn't anything to do with experiences either, at least not directly. It's more to do with how a person understands their experiences. It has something to do with a person's though process rather then their exact thoughts. Like I said earlier, I haven't really figured it out yet.
Being smart helps a lot in life. But it isn't a key to success, nor is it even a necessity. Their is a price to a mind that works. The problem is that smart people think a lot. I like to think I'm intelligent. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do it too. And thinking a lot leads to thinking about things that aren't important or relevant. It leads to thinking too much. It leads to worrying about things that shouldn't provoke worry. And nothing is more present in our minds and more prone to inspection and worry then ourselves.
I hear and see and sense things in friends over and over that say outright, or merely imply that they doubt their own quality. Someone will kid-on-the-square about how unattractive they are, without actually being unattractive. Someone will talk about being dumber then someone else they perceive as being more intelligent for all the wrong reasons. Someone will latch onto a stereotype of their race or sex in an attempt to fit in or gain attention when that stereotype isn't who they are or want to be. Over and over again I see friends in emotional pain, mild or serious. Over and over again I see them dislike and disrespect themselves. Over and over again, I see nothing wrong with them except for their own self esteem.
I understand disliking yourself. I understand the feeling of insufficiency. I spent my entire public school career and almost two and a half years of college before dropping out thinking I was worthless because I couldn't make myself be interested in classes. I lied to myself and my family about my academic interests purely because I didn't know what other interests I could fall back on. I said I wanted to be a teacher. Not because I wanted to teach, but because the things I was interested in didn't have any other professional field to fall into. I told myself and others I wanted to continue on through grad school only because I didn't know what else to do with my life besides pass tests. I haven't found what I want to do. I haven't found my niche. I spent my social life through school either fighting people I thought meant me harm, or hiding from people in order to avoid those who might mean me harm. I wasn't happy. My last months of college before dropping out were spent without the willpower to even leave my bed. I found myself unwilling to deal with the outside world, or even the necessities of life. I had convinced myself I was worthless, so I became worthless. I stopped attending classes. I wouldn't look for a job. I wouldn't read my books. I wouldn't do my assignments. I couldn't even pass the tests that used to be so easy for me anymore. I dropped out of school. It was that or fail out.
Working full time dropped my into a situation where I was forced to be social. I had to talk to my coworkers for work, and that naturally turned into more casual conversation, which turned into friendships. I realized that all I had to do was talk to people honestly and they would like me. The only people who didn't like me were people I didn't like. My fear of social situations was caused, not by the sinister intentions of others, but rather by myself and my own fear of social interaction. I failed at life because I didn't trust myself enough to succeed at it.
Now I'm not rich, and life isn't always easy. But I'm happy. Happier then I have ever been. I have my moments of doubt. I have my spasms of depression, but nothing has ever been as terrible as it was when I didn't love myself. And I see others around me destroying themselves with doubt and self pity. So if you know me. If I am willing to hold a conversation with you. Then I like you. You are talking to me. I am talking to you. You are capable of thinking. If you are experiencing despair. If you aren't succeeding where you want to be, the only thing that could possibly be wrong with you is that you don't love yourself enough.
Fuck your faith, fuck your family, fuck your friends, fuck your fellow human beings. None of your actions or feelings for them are relevant if you can't even take the time to see the things that are wonderful about yourself. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're interesting. You have to learn to help yourself before you can help those around you. You have to learn to love yourself before you can love those around you.
